This post was written by me, Brandon Nolet, in the context that I feel like garbage and I want to talk about what’s made me feel this way.
Challenges, Projects, Keeping Busy
For the longest time, as long as I can remember, I’ve always kept busy. It’s not something that I’m entirely proud of but surely it’s kept my emotions afloat for a while now. As far as I can tell I’m probably the happiest and most motivated in my inner circle (save for a few) and I’ve been satisfied with that. From time to time I come up with an idea for a project and I jot it down.
Sometimes I take on those projects. Almost every time I take on a project, something that has finality to it, it doesn’t get finished. I’m really excited in the beginning and three days later (not always) I’ll simply lose interest or I’ll forget about it because well, I have very little routine in my life. Although it could be argued something about the chicken and the egg on that point.
The problem is that no matter what I’m already doing, I always want to do more. I want to do more challenges, take on more projects, explore more, learn more, more more more more. It’s…unhealthy. And I think it’s finally catching up to me.
Out of Control
Lately, I’ve been feeling quite out of control. In fact, if I really think about it, I’ve probably been feeling like this for longer than I realize. I’ve been just coasting through life, taking on whatever comes at me, rather than really defining where I’m going or what I want to do. I have a general idea, some larger goals, but nothing that’s been set in stone or even planned to be set in stone.
I say I want to do one thing but then I lose focus and then I don’t do that thing. I say I want to stop doing something and then the next day, I do that exact thing, as if I completely forgot that I said the thing I didn’t want to do. I feel like I’m almost fighting myself just to get where I…say I want to be?
Don’t get me wrong, I love doing things and thinking big, I love “doing more” but…it’s…just not sustainable.
So what does it mean to behave sustainably? For me, I guess it would be to not take on more projects and to focus on what I have. Perhaps the constant desire to bring on more challenges is part of this addiction to the novel that so afflicts many in the age of the instant and the internet. I suppose it could also be driven by some sense of consumerism as well. The desire to consume new ideas and new experiences may be my motivation for trying to do so many things in so little time.
The worst part is that after a while I just…stop. I just stop doing anything, I slack off for three or so days without actually doing anything. Maybe that’s what this 100 days of writing challenge is really teaching me. Maybe it’s forced me to really consider what type of behaviour is sustainable. I’ve never really done anything 100 days in a row.
That word, sustainability, is something that…holds a lot of weight in my mind. It means some sort of routine, it means…cultivation? It means a sort of behaviour that can be maintained, kept in control, and guided towards a proper goal, in a manner that wastes the least amount of mental and emotional labour.
I feel a little better after writing this and I’ve also noticed that writing has become therapeutic for me. I don’t know how to feel about that but it seems wholesome.